So, you wanna know what it’s really like having two kids?
I have two kids. I know what it’s like now, but when I found out that I was pregnant a second time (oh shit. surprise!) and my son had only just turned 1 a few months ago, I was terrified. I couldn’t wrap my head around physically having two kids. Not just giving birth to another kid (which in itself was anxiety inducing) but also having two kids living in my house for the next 18+ years and keeping them BOTH alive. It seemed so impossible. How would I ever leave the house? How would we do a bedtime routine? What if (god forbid) my husband ever had to leave the house? I had my hands full 100% with one kid and was scared shitless.
Well, here we are. I’ve survived. Both my kids survived. And my husband and I both regularly get to leave the house.
This tweet describes having two kids perfectly —
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 7, 2015
Other than cutting literally ever piece of food in half here’s a few other things I’ve found are the facts of having two kids.
1. Their life mostly revolves around arguing about every fucking little thing – but sometimes they actually show each other love and it’s the most heart melting feeling. But it’s 90/10 — 90% arguments and 10% awwwwwwwwww
2. They never walk in the same direction. If I bring them to a playground, they will literally split like the sea that Moses split and run off in completely different directions. This is fucking terrifying when you’re alone. When you have someone with you, it works fine. If you have 3 (shit, or even more??) kids, I have no idea what you would do in this situation. And that’s exactly why I’m super strict on the birth control these days 😉
3. You have to buy two of EVERYTHING. Well, at least they want you to buy two of everything. Don’t fall into the trap. If you’re like me, you’re already spending a small fortune on daycare, so buying two of everything just can’t happen. DON’T GIVE IN.
4. Related to #3, if one kid has something, the other wants it. It could be the shittiest toy we own and if one kid is having fun with it, the other will want it. They’ll try to steal it. This will make the other kid cry. And then the other kid will try to take it back. And the first kid is then crying. Oh my fucking god. It’s the fucking circle of tears.
My son once had a matchbox car – we seriously own more than 479 matchbox cars. It’s stupid, I know – but he was ya know, vroom vrooming that shit around like it was the best new $50 toy out there. So of course, the daughter wanted it. What do you do in this situation you ask? Offer her another one of the now 478 matchbox cars that are laying around on the floor of the playroom (never actually in a box) – this won’t work. Offer her an entire play kitchen to play with – this won’t work. Distract her with hugs and kisses – also, won’t work. So, fuck it, you force your son to give her the toy. Eventually he’ll have to learn sooner rather than later that girls get what they want (especially if they are young and cute like his little sister). Plus, she’ll drop it for something new in 1.2 minutes flat and he can play with it again.
^ That’s some really bad parenting advice. Don’t listen to that. I’m probably fucking up their little brains.
5. They speak their own language. My daughter (1.5 years) can say a handful of words that only my husband and I can understand. But, apparently, my son can understand her when she speaks in full babbling sentences. They have full on conversations that are completely incoherent to other humans. Oh my fucking god. How did I just realize this? They are talking about me aren’t they? Jesus. I bet they are. They invented their own language just to shit talk me, right in front of me. It’s basically a nail salon in my house.
6. When they aren’t arguing, they constantly laugh. Essentially my son is the best comedian to a 1.5 year old girl. Him falling down – hilarious. Him wearing a bucket on his head – hilarious. Him putting bubbles on his face like a beard – she’s about to pee her diaper, she’s laughing so fucking hard. Yet, I can’t get her to laugh unless I let her pick my nose. Gross. But it works. The things you do for a good laugh around here are not sanitary.
All and all, it’s great. I’m glad they are close and we “ripped the bandaid off” by having them so close together. Side note – the fact that people even say that we “ripped the bandaid off” shows you how difficult it is to raise a human being. Seriously, that doesn’t fucking help. That’s a really negative saying. No one WANTS to “rip the bandaid off”. I would have rather never gotten fucking hurt enough to have to put a bandaid on in the first place to even rip off. youch!
Having two kids, logistically, is okay. You figure it out as you go. It changes pretty much every month and everything takes at least twice as long, but that makes sense right. You have twice as many kids. Derp.
Once your oldest is old enough to help, it makes it 100% better. My son can take off his shoes and his sisters shoes now. So every night when we get home from work/daycare, they walk straight to the stairs, sit down and take off their shoes. This gives me an entire 2 minutes to put all my crap away – oh and take off my own shoes. and pants. and bra. and say “ahhhhhhhhh”.
I hope you get a few minutes alone today, braless (and awake) to say “ahhhhhhhh”
And then tell me how you deal with multiple children. Oh and if you own more than 2 kids, you’re a goddamn rockstar and I already admire every aspect of your being.