Please add “elf on the shelf” to the list of shit our parents didn’t have to do and now we HAVE to do it. Do you know a family that doesn’t do this ridiculous tradition? No. Everyone does it. Congrats to the people who thought […]
Month: December 2017
First off, I’m not exactly sure what my 24 year old self was thinking when I wanted to have kids. I guess it was just the natural hormones telling me “have kids!” “have kids!” “It’ll be great!”, but honestly, I don’t think I actually sat down thought it through. I actually don’t sit down and think through many things in life, but that’s just because I’m not a normal human.
So at first, I was honestly shocked that I could no longer sleep in on weekends until 10am or go for a walk with just me and my husband at night after work. What do you mean I have to stay hip to hip with this crying little baby all day/night? You mean like 24/7?? I don’t want that to happen to you. So here’s my list of things you can’t have after you have kids. And things all parents dearly miss.
Here’s all the shit you can’t have after you have kids.
- Social life – this is kinda the most obvious, but in case you haven’t thought it through, here’s my take on this
You may be able to go on a date night once a month and that’s IF you have family nearby or IF you’re a sociopath that trusts a 15 year old girl to watch your precious babies…. yeah, no effing way. I remember what it was like to be a 15 year old girl. And I know that I couldn’t handle two toddlers at that age to save my life. I can’t even handle two toddlers at 29 for fucks sake.
Say goodbye to spontaneous nights out, grabbing drinks with friends after work or going out all day sunday to watch football at a bar – which is just WAYYYY better than watching football at home for some reason.
Your coworkers will be talking about all the hip new restaurants and bars and you’ll have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Smile and nod. And then go in the bathroom and fucking cry because you’ve missed out on so much because you’re a boring mom.
- Clean clothes – this is two-fold
Part one – you’ll just never be in clean clothes. Either you have a baby and spit up will be on you pretty much 80% of the day (we’ve all be in that important business meeting with spit up all over your shoulder. Right? Please say I’m not the only one). Or you have an older child that uses you as a napkin for all things. Chocolate, pasta sauce, lollypop, boogers, everything. The rule for moms is not, “don’t wear white after labor day” it’s simply “you just can’t wear white ever again” unless you’re on a tropical vacation away from the kids for 2 weeks in Maui (a girl can dream right??).
Part two – the laundry. It will never be done. You will NEVER be able to go a full week without doing a load of laundry ever again. I do laundry at least 3 times during the week and then 2-3 loads on Sunday. How do we have so much dirty clothes? I have no idea. No idea. Mathematically, it doesn’t add up. It’s weird. Also, kids clothes are little. So that’s great. You can fit more into a load. BUT when it comes to fold everything it will take you 3 times as long.
- Clean car windows – or a clean car in general
But it’s really the windows that get me crazy. One day my friend at work was like, hey I parked next to you. And I was like, oh cool. And then she was like, what’s all that shit on your window? Oh that, that’s just smeared banana all over the inside and SOMEHOW the outside of the window. Is that not how most people drive around? No. Well. Try feeding a 2 year old a banana on the way to daycare in the morning.
- A meal to yourself – a WARM meal to yourself would be next level
If you don’t like sharing food, don’t have kids. They will want only what’s on your plate. Even if we have the exact same thing on our plates. They will eat off your plate and they will enjoy your pain.
When you have a baby, in a rear facing car seat, that can’t yet talk, enjoy car food. Drive through everything and eat while driving. Once they are forward facing and able to yell for a bit or a French fry, you’re peace will be over.
- A coffee table – and nice things in general
My husband and I refinished a coffee table together before we had kids. It was perfect and rustic and beautiful. Too bad it had metal corners and was essentially deadly once our first was crawling around. Ever since then… um 2014, we haven’t had a coffee table. Where do you put your coffee when you’re drinking it on the couch and watching TV you ask? Nowhere. We hold it. It sucks.
Coffee tables are deadly for kids. I’m convinced of that. My kids climb and fall off our couch so often that, if we had a coffee table, they’d have serious head injuries.
Also, if we had a coffee table taking up the floor space in our living room where would we play? Where would we build lego houses or racetracks??
- Anything white or anything made of glass – this one is self-explanatory. Right?
- Binge watch Netflix – this is more something you can’t DO, but still I need to mention it.
I had my first kid early in 2014. This was the year that binge watching had just started – I think. Or at least it feels like it. After you have a baby, binge watching a series in one day is impossible. You either fall asleep or you’re up and down multiple times that it’s not the same.
I would kill for a vacation where I can just sit in a bed, order Chinese food and not move for an entire day and watch 8 hours of a really good TV show. Preferably anything but Storybots or PawPatrol.
- And last, but CERTAINLY not least – Sleep
Sleep. Honestly, you’ll never sleep a full nights, deep sleep for the rest of your life. With a newborn, it’s the worst. I had a fitbit when I had my second kid. Fitbits track your sleep. I had gotten up 6 times in the night and got a total of 4 hours of sleep and 0 minutes of “deep sleep”. I can’t tell you if this made me feel better or worse about the lack of sleep I was getting, but it was fun to show my kidless friends and see the look on their faces.
Even now, my kids sleep through the night 90% of the time. They love sleep, just like me. And will get 12 hours a night, if I let them. But still. I can’t sleep soundly at night. I spend the time before falling asleep worrying about them, and then half sleep through the night, so I can wake up if they are crying, walking around or trying to open the front door and run away. Seriously, I know my oldest would never just walk out of the house, but he knows how to unlock and open the front door. What if he’s just gone… Terrifying. See. These are mom thoughts. This is why I can’t sleep, deeply.
There’s lots of shit you can’t have after you have kids. Mostly obvious, but some I didn’t realize at all. But you know what, with all of that, I still don’t regret having kids. They take so much from you (and your body) but they also give me many things. Love, kisses, silly faces, laughter, snuggles and the joys of watching them grow and learn every day.